a kouhai's musings
by Derpina Uzumaki
Summary: Yukimura reflects on the wonderfully miserable relationship with his teacher. I swear to God if you don't review I won't be posting anything anytime soon. (Yes, I am this greedy.)


title: a kouhai's musings  
word count: 2796  
genre: fluff/angst  
warnings: ten-year age gap. yukimura-centric. set about 4-6 months after episode 26.  
author's note: since i've told you that my ff account most likely won't be updated much, i'll make the most out of it. here's some fubuyuki for you all. ^u^ this fic is dedicated to my internet bff Soundless Reverie and to my senpai in real life, in addition to tumblr-user fubuki-shirou, my internet idol. hehe.  
fun fact; this fic has gone through so much transformations that it has been in my laptop for five months and had to be sent to Gigi for further approval.

hope you guys do enjoy this~

* * *

Sometimes Yukimura liked making a mental list of reasons of how he fell in deep, inescapable love with his senpai.

Maybe it was how caring and gentle and understanding he really was; maybe it was his sympathy that made him bowled over Fubuki. He completely remembered the fateful day back when he was fourteen when a certain silver-grey haired, blue-grey eyed handsome snow angel—_ehem_—man stepped into a patch of dim light of the rugged snowfield, introducing himself as Fubuki Shirou, coach of Hakuren, before reaching a hand and giving the unintentional look in his eyes that told, Come with me and let me take you to the stars, because the moment he accepted the friendly stranger's help, he thought, oh let me play soccer with a stranger and hope for the best mom.

He fell into a deep abyss of his obsession for Fubuki two weeks later.

He regretted nothing.

He completely understood him like no other; he knew how difficult and pressuring it felt to achieve perfection; he knew exactly how it felt like to be left out and wallow in the throes of loneliness and misery, how it felt like to be left alone and be misunderstood. He understands his pain; and that is why Fubuki will always be the person he will come to when he was so much hurt, and Fubuki will always be there offer a shoulder to cry on, and will always be there to sing the few, sappiest lines in Ai Ni Iku Yo or Ice Road to ease his pain while he held him gently in his arms.

And he simply couldn't find the answer to how much of an angel Fubuki was. When he was mislead by Fifth Sector that his senpai, his dearest and kanpeki senpai had abandoned him and went to help Raimon instead, he fully remembered the blood boiling in his veins, the burning fury coiling in his stomach, and the crazy urge angrily forming in himself to destroy every single thing that connected anything whatsoever to his teacher. Then it lead him to the point where he'd shout at him, curse him for even trying to help him in the first place and leaving him, wishing that he'd fall back as well into more painful and darker bad luck.

He'd cursed himself for thinking of those things.

In the end, Fubuki was actually trying to protect him, risking his own job just for his own sake. He felt the twist of guilt mangle in his chest. When he reflected things after the unfortunate events from another perspective, horrible things would've happened to Yukimura rather than his senpai. If Fubuki had told him the truth, then the team would've accused him, and might've even hurt him and he'd be left alone, to wallow in pain and agony, all by himself in the dark, with no Fubuki to cry onto as he held on himself for his dear life. He finally understood now… Fubuki had not chosen the decision of abandoning him, but instead, let Yukimura feel hysterical hatred towards him and take the blame. And in the end, it was just Fubuki trying to protect him.

How could he be so kind?

He didn't know. Actually, he never knew.

* * *

After the Fifth Sector incident things started going back to normal. Hakuren played their soccer with more passion and cooperation (excluding Shirosaki who was forced to clean the snow obstructing the soccer field every now and then), there were no people hired by Fifth Sector to bother them anymore—everything was fine except for one teensy thing: Fubuki.

"I'll be back soon, Yukimura. Take care. Be good."

These were the last words that Fubuki said through a letter before he set off to go back to Raimon once again. Yukimura felt dismal and wretched that he wasn't going to be seeing his senpai for some time again, but it made him glad that Fubuki would be back, though.

Yet the guilt in his chest was killing him.

* * *

Since he was gone, Yukimura thought of nothing but Fubuki. His smile. His laughter as Yukimura adorably whined about him always being late, always being forgetful. His arms wrapping him in a warm embrace, along with his lips pressed on top of his head, softly, gently serenading him with that sweet, melodic voice of his. He missed him so much. Just so much.

* * *

So days passed, then so did weeks. The rest of his school days without Fubuki went by with a blur, and he hardly noticed the trees that resided just outside their building began to prosper into lovely, vivid lavenders that basked in the warmth of the sunshine, indicating that January has already arrived.

Sometimes he would exert effort, sometimes he wouldn't. Nothing really seemed to be a matter of importance anymore, not even soccer—just him.

There were days when he felt like not going to school, because, what was the point anyway? Then it'd be another day, just another long, exhausting day without him. Sometimes he felt if still being on the soccer team was worth it.

But then again, he had to remind himself that Fubuki was coming back soon—and he wouldn't want him to come home only to find out he quitted.

_Especially after all of what he has sacrificed just for him._

* * *

A week before graduation later, Shirosaki was summoned by the school club coordinator in the midst of school lessons. Yukimura wasn't the least bit surprised as he was simply lost in his dreamy reveries of Fubuki. Again.

Yet, on that same afternoon, Shirosaki was late for practice. Everyone was apparently perturbed and irked since for god's sake, of all the people who had to be late it was Shirosaki, arrogant and headstrong goalkeeper and captain Shirosaki. Yukimura really didn't care, though.

After of what it seemed half an hour, Shirosaki finally arrived surprisingly unhurt (people assumed that he was probably given detention for his allegiance to Fifth Sector, and though Yukimura wasn't one of the people who spread this rumor around, he did hope it was true) along with a man. A man that he'd missed for quite some time.

"Hey, everyone. It's been a while."

He knew immediately who it was.

"C-Coach Fubuki!"

* * *

Practice was over before they knew it, and everyone was too sentimental over Fubuki's return they were reluctant to let themselves be dismissed.

"Oh come on, everyone," Fubuki said, smiling hopelessly, a bead of sweat running down his temple. "You all need to go home. Get some rest."

"But it's a week before we graduate!" Koori protested. "This is the only time we can be with you, Coach."

Shirosaki's murmur yeah like I care goes unnoticed by everyone except Yukimura and the latter shoots him a quick yet fatal glower.

"I know," Fubuki sighed. "But who said we can't meet again next year?"

Koori's eyes shot up in excitement and Yukimura felt his cheeks go warm at the thought of being with his teacher for the whole year without him leaving Hakuren occasionally.

"Does it mean you'll come back again, Coach?"

Fubuki flashed his eminent smile. "Can't it be any more obvious?"

Yukimura couldn't really be happier as he watches everyone run and hug to their couch, their delight and happiness not even having to par up with his.

* * *

Today was the last day. The graduation ceremony just ended, and everyone else went about either to bask in the glory of their diplomas and awards or simply relish their last moments with their comrades. Yukimura was once again, left out, and decided to luxuriate himself with isolation, and chose to wander around the small garden outside their building.

They had visited their garden once, before, to check if any plants and the trees so far were already bearing fruits and flowers. To him it felt as though it was his first time visiting it, since this was the only time he himself opted to go about in the little meadow, and the only time he realized how appealing the place was—there were white cherry blossoms that enhanced the pathway, along with matching indigos and lavenders softly planted onto various areas of the field. People viewed that the snow-white owls that dwelled amongst the trees were scary, although Yukimura doubted it. They were actually gentle and… soft.

A light thud from behind prompted him to look back, only to see the man he'd both been avoiding and wanting to see for so long.

"Yukimura, I didn't know you were here. You almost scared me."

He trembled slightly as he heard his voice utter out his name. Yukimura turned towards his senpai, and saw him flashing his infamous, striking smile.

Yukimura bit his lip as he felt the familiar restless shifting in the pit of his stomach, mentally face-palming for being so bashful in such a moment. Jesus Christ, Yukimura, he thought. Senpai is just being nice to you. Be yourself, goddamit.

"Eh…" Yukimura let out a stray laugh and scratched his neck. "I was just wandering around, you know…"

Fubuki gave a slight nod and gently plucked out a stalk from a nearby tree, fondly examining the flower.

"People always mistake the garden as some kind of scary place, but they're wrong."

Yukimura's eyebrows quirked. "Un," he said. "I wonder why."

"That's because they always judge it without even getting to know it better."

_Like you._

Yukimura's chest tightened a bit as the words snapped into his mind. Yes. It was true—Fubuki was mistaken as for being a traitor to his team by abandoning them and giving assistance to Raimon instead without leaving any message. Yukimura's throat felt dry. He only did it to protect him…

"I hope one day, they'll realize how wrong they are… and learn to treasure it."

The stalk in Fubuki's palm gently flew skyward, into the snowy air, as a light breeze of white gusted through them. Yukimura hardly noticed the smile he carried before he turned towards the door, and began to walk.

Yukimura's heartbeat thumped with every step Fubuki took. It was his last and only chance to be to say the words to him… was he going to throw it away to waste?

No, he told himself. But...

_But._

But what if Fubuki would respond with rejection? What if Fubuki won't forgive him? What if Fubuki had already closed the door to their relationship, what if he had already severed that bond he had with him? That bond that had brought Yukimura so much values he had, to this day, respected and taught him so much things, and changed his morals and ideals?

What if Fubuki doesn't want to be his senpai anymore?

The possibilities were threatening to steal his will to speak and Yukimura fought to pay no attention to them. He knew in his mind that the last one would most likely kill him and he'd spend the rest of the year wallowing in guilt and repentance, regretting for never being able to tell Fubuki the words he've been meaning to tell him since the very day he'd ever encountered the man.

Fubuki was just one step from the door and from leaving, just one step and he'd go. Yukimura summoned his will to speak once more—it was the first time in ages since he'd spoke the word that it felt as though it was taboo.

"Senpai."

Fubuki stopped dead in his tracks as Yukimura stood still in his spot, knuckles white in his firm grip and lip bleeding lightly from two upper teeth from biting. The latter suppressed the urge to overreact, unable to contain his unease.

Then, suddenly, a pair of familiar arms wrapped themselves around him, an aura of warmth surrounding him.

"Yukimura."

The sound of his voice uttering his name out in that same sweet tone automatically told him his permission to hug Fubuki back. Letting a sob escape from his throat, he clutched onto his senpai tightly.

"S-Senpai," he sobbed. "I—I missed you so much."

Yukimura felt Fubuki's breath briefly turn shaky before he sensed him smile. "I missed you too."

Yukimura's arms unconsciously tangled themselves around Fubuki tighter as he felt the latter plant a soft kiss on top of his head. A whimper escapes his lips when Fubuki placed his head just underneath his chin so their shapes fit each other perfectly.

"I love you."

His self-control finally betrayed him, along with his thoughts that were turning now incoherent. Tiny specks of snow started to descend from the sky, making his mind vague and unable to function.

The words were silent but sure. Fubuki's eyes narrowed as they reached his ears, threatening to steal his ability to speak.

"Wha—?"

"I love you, senpai, I've always been in love with you—I love you, I love you, I love you—and I will never let go of you ever again."

Yukimura never thought there was such a thing as perfection until his lips brushed against Fubuki's, and he thought to himself, as the latter responded back minutes later, that maybe, what he's been chasing all these years—the so-called perfection he had always desired from youth to adolescence—was this.

Maybe he didn't need to meet the demands of achieving perfection—maybe he didn't it at all.

Maybe all he really needed in the world was Fubuki.

* * *

The next two years he finds himself walking with Fubuki towards the school gates every morning, not bothered by the stares and glares he got from the girls passerby. He's gotten an earful from Shirosaki who apparently is incredulous to find out about his feelings for his favorite teacher, warning him that loving him may lead him to such incidents again, just like what happened during the Fifth Sector—Yukimura though, merely brushed it away with a rather indifferent look and "you started it anyway". He doesn't stop, however, and constantly joined the club of fangirls that despised his luckiness with a passion.

Meanwhile, Koori didn't really mind, being his close friend, and gave him a pat on his back. Fubuki is worried about telling his parents but Yukimura assures the other man that they'll have to keep this as their little secret. They will then veil their dalliance by holding hands under the table, having their private make out sessions behind the staircases, and whispering sweet nothings into the other's ear almost everyday, in completely random times.

One day Yukimura confesses something rather personal to Fubuki and it turns out that the younger male wanted to lose his virginity to him. The latter seems equally shy about the idea as well, and nervous, that he might possibly ruin someone's first time, not to mention it was his student he was talking about. After they've done it, though, it turned out that Yukimura had a pretty enjoyable time, thus Fubuki began to become rather the possessive one as they've decided he would be dominant in bed, in which Yukimura agreed to and became submissive to him.

Once their parents knew about it they didn't really get so bothered, as they've trusted Fubuki he would take good care of their son. Although they've been granted the liberty to make their relationship public, old habits do die hard because Fubuki still insists in taking him behind the staircases, pin him against the solid surface and have him under his possession and kiss him until his kouhai moans into the exchange, his hands fisting through Fubuki's hair and telling him to _keep going senpai, oh yes, that feels good._

The first time Fubuki told him he loved him back when he was finally eighteen, and for the life of him, Yukimura doesn't know to this date how he'd manage to be so lucky, and what he'd done in his entire life to have the other man.

Fubuki has to remind him almost everyday that he liked—no, loved him for who he was, and not just for his qualities. Yukimura, being the adorable "tsundere" kouhai he was, had always dragged Fubuki with insistent questions of "really?" and "are you sure?" since he'd never been able to register that Fubuki Shirou, the ace striker and smooth defender of Inazuma Japan that he'd always looked up to was in love with him as well.

Fubuki though merely sighs at how hopeless Yukimura was, and dismisses it as the latter's "natural charm" (Needless to say, this just doubled Yukimura's incredulity and the questions' frequency had greatly increased) and he supposes, as he fondly examines at the wedding band on his finger, that he doesn't mind having to remind his favorite student that he loves him back every single day, and Yukimura later, finds himself unable to disagree likewise.


End file.
